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Living life to the fullest..
Tuesday, December 22, 2009 @Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Ah Ma (1915-2009) has passed away exactly a month ago on the 6 Dec 2009. She died peacefully in my house due to old age. I wanted to type this entry immediately after her death but I just cannot face the pain from the loss. Her smile, her hug, her tears, her cries, her screams, her smell, her pressence still remains. It is strange how my family avoided talking about her demise after the wake, as if everyone is able to cope well in their own ways. I too could do so in the day, covering the heavy
heartedness with
laughter and smiles, but when I am back at home, the overwhelming sadness just cringe my heart. She has been a part of my life for my 22 years of existence, tho
I'm guilty that she has taken a back seat in my life as I grow up and other commitments took up my time. It is now the time I put a closure to her demise.
Ah Ma is a stubborn, strong willed lady who love to hear praises on how strong and healthy she is. She has never fallen ill during her late years and hates seeing a doctor. She never like people to hold her hands and assist her when she walk. She always enjoy swaggering with big steps during her daily morning walks downstairs. She loves to take over the maid's household chores by taking the clothes from the pole hanger before they are dried and starts folding them. She will always come into my room when I am studying for exams, asking me to have my meals and opening my room door hourly to check whether I am still in the room. She never fails to repeat her same ole, same ole story of the past and approach me to ask what time it is, when my parents are returning home. I understand that all she wants was just company. It can be pretty lonely at times when she is coped up at home and couldn't find companion with the grannies downstairs as they spoke different tongues. Her loud, sharp voice often made me feel
embarrassed when she call me from a distance in the public. She is the one and only person in the world who calls me "
niok si nim" cos she can't pronounce Adeline and always affirmed me that I am her favourite grand daughter cos she is the one that takes care of me when I am young. She will then whisper to me that my sister is not brought up by her but by the maid.
I miss the times back at Dover... where my childhood was.. those times when I head down to the playground in the evening.. ah ma chit-chatting with her
kakkis around the void deck table..
liosa, my favourite maid watching over us while catching up with the other domestic workers. But such simple pleasures never lasted. Papa wanted to move out of Dover despite my pleas.. Liosa's husband died in a train crash and she has to return back to Philippines.. I lost my playmates and grandma lost hers too. Afraid to face the memories, I avoid visiting my old home. Until I found out that Joyce, my university friend, now resides at my old home. Surprisingly, lotsa old memories still remain fresh in my mind. How grandma used to slp next to me.. walk with me to Ghim Moh.. buy me roti prata (plain + egg) for breakfast.
I know u loved me from these little things..I remembered that initially I was a lil hesitant on going to Denmark for exchange. I was so afraid that my grandma will leave while Im away. I prayed to God to give me some time... more time, for me to spend with ah ma and share with her on Christianity. Indeed, God granted me this wish but I took it for granted.. living my own life like how I was agn back in Spore... friends.. schools.. exams.. internships.. television shows.. just snatched away most of my time. I guess these were just excuses.
Never procrastinate!
Sometimes I do feel that such good moments at the botanic garden could only occur once. The entire family was out to spend grandma's birthday. This is the nicest photo I had with ah ma. When I tried to organise another dinner gathering.. botanic garden outing.. walk to Ghim Moh, all is too late.. grandma's health starts to deteriorate drastically. First is the cateracts covering her vision, her skin starts to dry up.. then comes the swelling of the feet.. loss of weight. I frantically tried to call along some church aunties who could speak hokkien to pray for her and save her, but she seem to be senile by then.. unable to differentiate between day and night..between people.
Me: "God, give me some more time!''
God: "You already had them"
Time is never enough.. no matter how much time God give to me, I would still desire for more. Cherish the people and the feeling at that moment.
I regretted never going for morning walks with my grandma.. I wish for more time to listen to her complains.. her reminising.. bringing her out for dinners. I am sorry for cutting your sentense and chasing you out of the room when I am busy at work. Sorry for my bad temper and impatience.. sorry for demanding too much when you took the wrong order for my meal..sorry for accusing you of stealing the coins.
But I am glad that I have assured you that we love you each time I walk pass your seat at home.. I am glad I prayed together with the aunties for you.
God.. pls wash away the pain...pls have mercy on her.. i really love her.. let go, Adeline.
Labels: grandma
